Why my child not like everyone else?

Who are these "all"?

Let's start with the word "all". In desperation or in anger, we say things like "All children do that!" But objectively speaking, we make our conclusions based only on observation of some other children, as well as on General views about what is proper the child. Let's just say, there is a large group of kids in two years, says poems, and has the same large group that says on its "bird's" language. Who is more normal and correct, if both groups of children equally, and to the school the difference between them is smoothed to a minimum?

Our sample as a whole is reduced to three to five familiar children, about whom we know that, for example, they expressively read poetry on a stool. We forget that we do not see the problems of these children. But the fact that there are no children, I'm sure. There are only insufficiently attentive parents.

You'll never be good enough

I have two children. They are different and both are something not within the norms. And what worries me — is the fact that even with two loving grandmothers do not accept them for who they are. Especially the oldest, a preschooler. I often criticize his son because he seems so big compared to younger. But after talking with the grandmothers, I understand: my criticism is nothing compared to their opinion, the opinion of the representatives of the companies.

I accept their children as they are and not looking at them defects. I see their features and inclination to help where needed. And sometimes I think if I am hurt by the thought that relatives do not accept children, what they feel the children, especially the slightly older? Why our society is so intolerant against any, even the slightest differences?

To compare with the benchmark, to evaluate and to blame the "left behind", "not" is a favorite activity of bored citizens. Should we, mothers, to go on about these people and adopt their point of view on your own child? I think not.

I think nowadays we, as parents, need to change the overall situation in society. We need to talk about acceptance, about the importance of understanding all children, not just "normal". We have right to Express their point of view to others: Yes, my child is different, but that doesn't make it worse. Not, this does not mean worse.

When we and child rate negatively, we are experiencing. Begin to study articles, tables of norms. Trying to figure out if everything is in order, whether the child fits within the given society, psychologists, educators and doctors. Well, if so! It soothes and proves that all is well, I do, my baby is growing and developing as it should. And what if not?

If the child does not fit the norms

One day suddenly see in your child, something frightening. Any symptom that is disturbing the behavior or physical manifestation. What — is unclear, scared to ask, because I'm afraid of the answer. And can't share fears with friends, because you know — it will not get better and may only become worse. If you have a worrying grandmother, they'll go crazy and you will drive.

What to do? My main piece of advice to overcome the fear, to look at the situation in the face and try to find the answer. To find answers on the Internet, listing the symptoms you are worried, and confirm or deny your fears will help a good specialist. According to statistics, most often mom scares unexpected, inadequate behavior of children, particularly older preschoolers and school children, but few people looking for a good child psychologist, limited in the end only anonymous communication forums mom.

But how would you not be scared — go to a specialist. The only way you will be able to take the existing situation, to cease to be tormented by uncertainty and finally begin to act, to really help your child, as befits a mother.

Like everyone else: to be or not to be

At the moment me as a mother cares here's a question: what if in trying at all costs to bring the child to a "standard model normal child," we demolish it? Suddenly he loses something important, that distinguishes him for the better?

We have constantly told the phrase "all children are different", but want them to be not very different from each other. So they all did equally well, and behaved quietly and modestly.

Categorical nitiyanant in frame

Remember yourself in childhood, adolescence and youth. For example, I very long to care what people think of me, what I look like. I spent a lot of effort to fit in, to be worse than others, do not talk nonsense. But still, periodically, the control was weak and I did something that made me an object of intense hostile attention. "What's wrong with me?" I thought in those moments. Now I know the answer.

As teenagers, then young people, we are struggling to keep within certain limits, to successfully integrate into the desired social circle. But for some, it happens easily, and someone much more complicated. I call it "chronic neopisuemo". Your "I", your true identity is more and more widely permitted by the rules, hence all the incidents, forcing then to be ashamed of themselves. We want to be accepted, to be loved and rejoiced us, because it becomes doubly painful if not impossible.

There is another important point desire to be "normal" aspirations laid down by society, and parents have supported you is a problem with the search for self. One day, years to 30, a grown man asks himself to stop, and where, in all these frameworks, attention to image and other tinsel, I? Who and what I really want? Why am I unhappy with what we have? How do I find myself? And to collect yourself, are not crushed by the conventional limits of normality, people spend time and money. Until they suddenly find that your happiness is in what you loved to do in childhood and adolescence, but you said that all this is nonsense.

Or look at another picture. Around you — hundreds of people, childhood was considered normal, good fit. Someone and a gold medal for the school's success is. But how many "normal kids" with good behavior and decent grades in the diary became successful, intelligent, interesting adults? If after 15 years after school to meet their classmates, it turns out that after graduation most of them is on the beaten track.

Often being normal means being boring and predictable. And for their children we want them to have grown and lived in much more interesting and full life than we do. And sometimes the very desire to want more for something like this daily, really makes you and the child beyond "normality".

So what are we to do with "not such" children?

And now that we have become familiar with the basic pitfalls of being "different", we need to develop a plan of what to do with the children, do not fit into the norm.

1. Accept your child as he is. Regardless of what it is that you or the society does not like it. Unlike mothers from society, that society says, "You're not. Corrected or we will not accept and will not love you." Mom says, "I love you just because you are my child. And I can help you become better."

2. There are things you can change, for example, gaps in knowledge and skills. For this you need only more time and effort, especially on the part of parents. After all, you can't just say "stop it and become better!" the child has magically changed itself. No, this is a job for both of you.

And there are things that you cannot change, because it's impossible. I'm talking about mental and physical processes in the body, about diagnoses and syndromes. In this case, you need to know more about the diagnosis, and how adaptation and rehabilitation, how it is treated and what can be done.

3. Normal very blurred.Many don't have a diagnosis, but pose challenges to children, while parents don't understand what the problem is. For example, if you read the list of symptoms of Asperger's syndrome, you will easily get yourself five to ten pieces. What would follow? You may do it there, but maybe not. This is only an indication that we're all... different! We perceive reality and react to what is happening.

Referred to me Asperger's, someone thinks highly functional form of autism (scary, right?), but many researchers did not consider this syndrome to diseases because this can be just a feature of the brain does not make a person worse, but making it a little different. And suddenly may become an advantage if you know your strengths.

The task of the mother of the special child (the word "special" I mean a person who does not want to stay within the given society frame) — not to criticize it and not to push, because the society and so it will do for you, don't worry, track, record its features and think how to correct. Gently, with love, through games, creative joint activities, positive motivation.

4. Look for strengths.First you make a list of what is bothering you and come up with a plan of korrektsii. Then be sure to find out what the talents and strengths of the child. What he likes, knows what interests, what makes him happy. Happiness is here the key word.

The balanced and harmonious development looks like this: you hike up the weaknesses of the child, using his or her motivation and interests in strong fields. For example: to improve the technique of reading son, I buy books about cars with stickers. And although he is reading quietly and hesitantly (he's a preschooler, but it would have been washed down the comments), I do not bother "read louder!" Because the main thing in reading is not a speed or expressiveness, and understanding of the meaning and memorization. And then we have everything in order. And if someone doesn't like the speed and the volume — I have something to say to this person!

Mother is almost the only person at the child who knows him best. Use your power and knowledge for the benefit of the child. Spend your resources not on criticism, and creation. What else do we need?

Julia Raw.
Designer. Writer. Mother.
The author of the book "Positive motherhood or as easily and effectively raise children"